


If Ever I Should Lose You

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Children, F/M, Family, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-04
Updated: 2007-04-04
Packaged: 2019-05-15 11:36:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14789762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: It's a lump---





	If Ever I Should Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**If Ever I Should Lose You**

CJ/Danny, Donna, Abbey, Jed, mentions of Josh, Carol, Margaret, Bonnie, Ginger, etc.

Rating -- (NC-17) Mature/Adult (sexual content)

Spoilers – through end of series

Not mine, never were, never will be, but they consume my soul

Feedback and criticism always welcomed

\------------------------------------------------------

_Early October 2009; Washington DC -- the White House East Wing_

Donna Moss Lyman walked back toward her office, reading the papers she had retrieved from the Mural Room. She was also carrying some fabric swatches in pastel shades. Her son, whom she had retrieved from his father, rested against her chest in the Snugli, making tiny snoring sounds. Josh had fed him and his Aunt Carol had changed him. All she had to do was keep him warm and secure for a while.

As she entered the outer office area, she could hear the new clerical assistant talking to someone on the phone. “Yes, ma’am, I will be sure to give Ms. Moss Lyman your message that you returned her call, but she is a very busy woman and may not be able to touch base with you again until sometime next week. Please be patient. Now, let me make sure I have the name right. That’s C- O- N- C- A- N- “.

Donna took the phone from the young woman. “Hey, CJ, it’s me. Let me put you on hold for a second until I can get to my office.” She expertly pushed the right combination of buttons.

“Krissie, I’m sorry, Kristin, for future reference, Mrs. Concannon’s calls, or her husband’s, for that matter, should always be put through to me, or in a case like this, put on hold if I’ll be back momentarily. I’ll decide whether or not I have time to talk with them. Don’t worry, I know it’s only your second week and you have so much to learn. You’ll get the hang of it.” She smiled, not wanting to terrorize the child. Normally, a Saturday afternoon in the East Wing was an easy way to train a new employee, but with Cathy out of town for a funeral and Dawn, the other clerical assistant scheduled for today having left with a fever, poor Kristin was enduring trial by fire today.

Donna entered her office, closed her door, and, picking up the phone, sat down.

“I’m back, sorry about that.” She explained her personnel issues. “No, the President and Mrs. Santos are at Camp David this weekend. I had a few things I wanted to deal with but now I’m kind of just waiting for Josh to finish up with the Portuguese ambassador and then we might actually get to take Noah for a walk on the Mall. It’s a beautiful Indian Summer day here in Washington. How about your weather?”

“Just another endless summer day here in southern California for me and my guys. So what’s going on?”

“Can we get business out of the way first? After the first of the year, the First Lady wants to get moving on the Modern Village Initiative and would like to come to make a splashy thing out of it with you all on your block. Since she has the last two weeks of January open, I thought I’d give you a chance to check your schedule with ‘Road to a Better World’ and pick the best time for you. We’re looking at maybe coming in late one afternoon, staying for two full days, and flying back early on the fourth day.”

“Let me log into Nancy’s calendar and see what she has for me then, she’s more likely to have everything on hers than for me to have things on mine.” Donna could hear CJ start to walk away from wherever she was, and then stop. “No, Lissa! Put the diaper on the other way!” Then back to Donna, “Why Danny thought that Paddy and I would make good practicum partners for the Teen Club training program, I don’t know. I think he feels guilty about scheduling a three-hour seminar for Saturdays this semester, even though I told him I’d rather have him there on Saturday mornings than on Wednesday nights. He figures that this way, I have help without having to pay for it. Actually, I kind of like spending the morning with my baby, just the two of us, not dealing with any chores or such. Last week, we bought a kiddie pool and he and I spent two hours in it splashing at each other. If I put him on the floor, he’ll try to move his arms and legs. It’s an attempt at crawling, but he looks like he’s kind of like swimming. He’s changing so much every day. Danny says he smiled Monday afternoon right before I got home. So far, I haven’t seen one. Hmmmm, let’s see. I have a board meeting on the 20th; would you like me to block off the week of the 25th?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Donna scribbled a note to herself. Noah began to whimper. “CJ, let me put you on speaker for a bit if that’s okay.” She pushed the appropriate buttons, then took her son out of the Snugli and began to walk around, jiggling him up and down.

“By the way, CJ, congratulations on the Chairman/CEO thing. I’m assuming it gives you more latitude with the project?”

“Thanks; yes, it does. As both chair of the ‘Road to a Better World’ board and CEO, I can decide whether I want to make decisions unilaterally or seek the advice of the board. I think I got it because of how I handled the staffing controversy.”

“What staffing controversy?”

“Well, some people were upset because we are bringing in full outside teams who are used to working with each other to handle the back office support and to supervise the crews; we’re only using local labor for the actual building. Our purpose is to get the roads built as quickly and as professionally as possible. We don’t want to take the time to train bookkeepers, clerks, computer professionals, those kind of folks. I don’t see that as our mission. Naturally, there were claims of imperialism, racism, and the usual sort of thing that can occur in situations like this. So when Jake Kimball told me that Antares wanted to get involved with ‘Road to a Better World’, I suggested that they provide back-end training. We come in, get the road built, and get out. Then teams funded by Antares will come in to take over. They will interview, hire and train local personnel to handle everything involved in ongoing maintenance and maybe some peripheral expansion off the main roadway. This way, everyone wins. We get the roads built and the locals get control after we’re done. We’re holding a big press conference with Antares here in LA on Monday to announce it.”

“Well, you looked great on TV yesterday when they announced the foundation reorg. But I didn’t see Danny there?”

“And did he ever have a nutty! It was the first, and so far, only time, I’ve taken Paddy out of town overnight without him. But the board meetings this time were on Thursday and Friday. Between his teaching and his seminar, there was no way he could get away. However, he insisted on driving me, Paddy, and Nancy up to San Luis Obispo on Wednesday afternoon. I did manage to convince him to let us fly back on the Antares jet with Jake. Lissa, why don’t you bring him to me? Donna, I’m going to join you in the speakerphone thing; this kid’s hungry. So I understand you’ll be taking a class next semester?”

“Yes, at American. They have an American Studies program into which I can fit most of my work from Wisconsin. I’ll only need two more courses. I figured that the best thing would be for me to get a BA in something, anything, from an accredited school and then get an advanced degree in government or public policy at Georgetown. Or maybe law school, I don’t know. Josh has some concerns, not so much about my taking courses, but the path. He seems to think I should spend more time at the undergrad level and get a quote-unquote meaningful degree from Georgetown. Toby and Sam agree with him, but Nancy McNally and Kate agree with me. I was hoping that you and Danny would weigh in also. I don’t like going against Josh’s input, but I really feel that my plan is better.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m coming down on your side; I’ll have Danny call you when he gets back from USC this afternoon. Ouch! Dammit!”

“CJ?”

“Paddy’s overdue for a fingernail clipping and he just scratched me. No big deal.”

“I wish I could have nursed longer. So you’re still going strong with it, it’s been, what, five months now?”

“Just about. Actually, I’ve been giving some thought to stopping in the next month or so. Definitely when the teething starts. I’ve enjoyed the bonding and the satisfaction, but I’m not the type to keep this up after he’s got teeth or is walking. If others want to nurse for two or more years, that’s fine, it’s just not me. And he’s begun to reach for stuff on our plates if we’re holding him while we’re eating, so he’s ready for more variety in his diet.”

“Are you giving him stuff?”

“Not really. Maybe a bit of mashed potatoes on a finger. Most of our stuff is way too spicy for him. The next time we take him to the doctor, I’ll ask her about it and then I guess my shopping cart will start to be filled with lots of little jars. The express lane will become a distant memory, unless I buy by the case and not give him any choice between peaches and pears, chicken or beef. Anyway, how does Noah like working with his mom? Sometimes I think Paddy is happier here at home with Danny than he is with Nancy and me in the office.”

“I think he’s happier in his Daddy’s office. For some reason, Josh’s screaming doesn’t faze him a bit. Then again, he doesn’t get to spend as much time there, given the nature of what happens in the west wing as opposed to what happens over here, so maybe he just misses his daddy. Luckily for both Josh and me, none of our assistants have a problem with taking care of him if both of us are tied up with work at the same time; or with each other in the residence,” Donna giggled.

“I take it that you, ah, got right back in the saddle, so to speak, as soon as you were able?” CJ asked.

“I feel a little guilty. I didn’t go through what you did with the lack of libido; in fact, I think mine increased. And I certainly didn’t have any of Ginger’s issues with depression, thank God. Poor Josh, he was all ready to play ‘supportive husband’ and didn’t get the chance. I know that he spent at least a third of his minutes on the phone with Danny these past two months asking for advice.”

“For God’s sake, Donna, don’t feel guilty! I’m happy for you and I’m sure Ginger is also. I’m just a little jealous that you and Josh can slip away during the day. When I was there, I wouldn’t have had the time, even if Danny had been available to me. Even now, things are a bit rough, a little tense. Right now, we’re trying to find the best fit for our schedules. He teaches Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings and Tuesday and Thursday evenings. His other seminar meets on Thursday mornings. Right now, I’m in the office all day Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, and on Friday mornings. I have Paddy with me in the mornings; Danny picks him up after lunch. Then we have the Teen Club kids after school. We even have two guys from the club on Tuesdays and Thursdays; Danny’s class meets from 7:30 until 9:00 those nights and he has office hours from 6:00 to 7:00 on Tuesdays and after his Monday and Wednesday class. Of course, I’m doing some work from home and he has to prepare for his lectures, study, write a column every other week, and work on Fitz’ book. We’re with each other but not really with each other.”

“Josh and I are thinking about an au pair; one of Lord Marbury’s umpteenth-removed cousins. I’m just a little concerned. At times, we’re away from the townhouse for much of the day. There have been more than a few days where Josh and I go home just to shower and change and we leave Noah here with the Santos’ nanny. I’m not sure what kind of oversight we could give a young woman. And if she takes after Lord John – . (sigh) Besides, after Liz’ experience – I mean, Josh is nothing like Doug but I think I’d rather have Mrs. Doubtfire in my house than Cathy Coed. Anyway, what did you think of the Monet Water Lilies sheer gauze Carol picked out for our dresses? Did you pick out a color for the lining and the shoes and a style yet?”

“I love the print and the idea of the gauze! She gave me first choice on the color; I picked the green. Danny and Hank are vacillating between a one-shoulder look and a Vee-neck with a relaxed waist.”

“I told her I’d take anything except the yellow, but I think Bonnie wants that. So I’ll be in pink, blue, or lilac, depending on Margaret and Ginger. I’m thinking a halter top. But you’re letting Danny pick the style?”

“It kind of started with the dresses you had, the ones Josh picked out. Hank suggested that with the soft fabric and the skirt styling, it could easily be, um, ‘bedroom attire’, so when he fitted it for me, he left the extra fabric in. After the wedding, he loosened it and took out the bodice lining and a couple of the skirt layers and now, well, Danny likes it. So when Carol decided on a sheer print with different colored linings and I asked Hank what he thought, his reaction was ‘It doesn’t matter, I’ll take the lining out afterward, leave it sheer’ and Danny got that look. For someone whose yearnings lie in the direction of the Y-chromosome, Hank sure knows what guys like on women, or at least what my guy likes. Danny is just disappointed I won’t have another floppy hat; he likes the floppy hat, too. I wonder if he told Josh that?”

“Well, depending on our necklines, the floppy hat might not cut it. I think the jeweled combs will work just fine. I mean, none of us is in our twenties anymore. Come to think of it, I hope I end up with the blue. I like blue topaz. Tell Danny to tell Josh he needs to buy me more jewelry.”

“Why don’t you tell him yourself when you talk about the degree? Just think, except for Margaret and my poor Nancy, we’ve got just about all the Women of the West Wing married off now. Speaking of Margaret, how’s she doing with her suitors?”

“Ohmagod, I forgot! We’ve had an elopement in the Administration!”

“Margaret?”

“No, but it affects her, kind of. You know that Arnie Vinick decided to play the field, whether to hedge his bets or to make Margaret jealous, I don’t know, but he started seeing Ginger’s mother-in-law right after the dedication of the Bartlet Library. They went to Aruba last weekend and three days later they called to say they got married!”

“Wow! I can imagine all the Beltway gossips going full blast! So Margaret is down to Hoynes and Priest Guy?”

“Actually, Priest Guy is out of the picture and John Hoynes has a real spring in his step now. And his grin covers his entire face. I’m half-afraid he’s going to start getting a bit too cocky with regard to Margaret. It’s such a fine call with him. I want her to be happy and if he’s the guy, then God bless the two of them, but if he were to hurt her, I’d be devastated. Of course, he’d be dead, the President and Josh would see to that, not to mention President Bartlet, Danny, Sam, Ed, Larry, Charlie, Will and the ghosts of Leo and Mrs. Landingham.”

“Don’t forget the wrath of the Sisterhood. We could convene a witches’ coven. Do you think Helen Santos would want to join? Hey, I may have an idea. Do you remember me telling you about my old boyfriend Paul? Well, he’s picked up some sort of parasite doing all that work in Asia and the doctors want him back in the States for at least two years. He emailed me he was going to be working as his church’s representative in the National Council of Churches office in Washington. I think he and Margaret would be perfect for each other. He’s such a great guy and he deserves to be happy. I mean, I know that Danny and I were meant for each other, but if things hadn’t happened the way they did and Paul and I had stayed together, I know I would have had a wonderful, very good life. Just not the life I have with Danny. I wouldn’t have been a soccer mom, I would have been involved in public issues, but on a much smaller scale, on the local level. Typical professor’s wife. Now, I just have to figure out how to make this happen.”

“What if Margaret doesn’t want another guy in her life?”

“Let’s see, my Nancy’s a bit young but there’s Kate, Nancy McNally, and Laura Gail Fitzwallace.”

“Not Debbie?”

“Paul, at least the Paul I remember, is a saint, but she would try his proverbial patience to no end. Anyway, she’s still with that mysterious guy she had while she was guarding the Oval, isn’t she?”

“I think so. Why don’t you send me his email, or phone number here if you get one for him. I can get in touch, arrange to see him, you know, like you asked me to look him up and make him feel welcome in DC, that sort of thing, and then one thing can lead to another, and maybe – “

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Hey, I can see Josh coming down the hall. I just might get out of here soon. I can’t believe that the highlight of my week will be a walk on the Mall with husband and baby. Our lives have sure changed. Now that I can afford to actually buy all those dresses I used to wear and return, I have no use for them 90 percent of the time.”

“Well, tonight I have a date with my husband to celebrate the promotion thing. Frank and Danny finally convinced Diana and me to try the two baby thing just once a piece and last weekend we kept Maggie while the rest of them went to a _quinceanera_ in San Diego. Everything went fine so they are taking Paddy this evening and will keep him overnight. I’ll get to dress up, eat at a restaurant, and come home to an evening of adult activities.”

“Yeah, rub it in, why don’t you? Remember to have Danny call me. Love ya.”

“You, too. Say hi to everyone for me.”

_Later that day; Santa Monica, CA_

CJ stood at the kitchen sink, gently rubbing the baby shampoo into her son’s hair.

“Gotta get you all nice and pretty for your girlfriend,” she crooned to the child. “We cleaned your ears and your belly button, and now we’re taking care of your hair. Poor little Maggie just won’t have a chance against you. You are going to wow her completely. Yes, you are; yes, you are.” She used the spray attachment to rinse his hair.

“Maybe I need to have a talk with him, give him some pointers?” Danny slipped up behind her, put his arms around her, and nuzzled her neck. “Of course, I don’t know if I want him to have a hotter, heavier night than his daddy."

“His daddy expects to have a heavy night? With whom?”

“With his mama. Wear the blue dress from the beach tonight?” He nuzzled her neck again.

“Hmmm. What will you do for me if I do?” He whispered something in her ear.

“That might be nice.” Then her mind turned devilish. “And what if I don’t?” He growled and whispered something else.

“Decisions, decisions,” she said, lifting Paddy out of the baby tub and onto a towel. As she was drying the baby and dressing him, she noticed the aroma and turned around.

“I’m smelling?”

“Italian sausage hoagies. One of the frats was selling them for the game this afternoon. I figured maybe you wouldn’t want to bother making lunch today.” He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water for her and a beer for him.

She put the baby in the cradle carrier. “Bless you. For that, you get the blue dress tonight.”

“And you get the three –“. She silenced him with a kiss.

She told him of her conversation with Donna as they ate. He agreed with her assessment of Donna’s educational plans. He had to disagree with Josh.

Paddy reached toward his sandwich. “Sorry, kid, not yet. When you’re older, we can share these while we watch football.” The sausage, pepper, onion, and tomatoes were not on the list of foods that Paddy’s pediatrician said might be appropriate.

She reached for one of the finger-sized bananas on the counter, peeled and mashed it with some of the water from her bottle, and waved a fingerful in front of her son’s mouth, which he promptly gobbled. She continued with her narration of the conversation with Donna.

“I thought you said Paul isn’t interested in another relationship; that he was still grieving the loss of Alicia.”

“Yes, he did, but he’s not the type to be by himself. And Lord knows he has so much to offer a woman.”

“Just the thing a horny guy needs to hear coming out of his wife’s mouth – praise for the first man in her life.”

She heard the light tone in his voice but looked quickly to make sure that the eyes reflected the teasing. (They did.) She reached over with her hand, accidentally smearing some banana on his forearm.

“I’m not the girl I was some thirty years ago. He was good for me then, but now I have you. I just want him to be happy and I know that he can make someone else happy. If that someone else is someone I know and care for, so much the better.”

“What you mean is he wasn’t the type to be by himself some thirty years ago; you don’t know for sure about him now. Just be careful, okay? You’d be playing with two lives here, five if you count his kids and Margaret’s.”

She recognized wisdom when she heard it. “Yes, sir.”

She went off to put Paddy down for a nap and he went off to call Donna. When he finished his conversation, he went to the bedroom, found her sleeping and decided to join her.

He was really looking forward to this evening and tonight. He and CJ had two nights to themselves in New Hampshire when Abbey commandeered their son and they had several evenings out in Rehoboth, but they hadn’t had both an evening out and a full night to themselves, with adult activities, since May.

He loved his son in a way he wouldn’t have believed possible three years ago, when a life with CJ was only a dream, a possibility, but he also loved his wife. Both he and Frank Muñoz didn’t see anything wrong with taking advantage of the strange connection between their infants every once in a while and they were both glad when Diana and CJ agreed to try it.

He was developing a closer friendship with Frank, drawing on the man’s experience in combining being a husband and a father. Frank’s kids adored and respected him; and the glow on Diana’s face attested to **her** satisfaction with her husband. Robin was helpful, and had been a good role model since the man had cour ed and married Erin. And of course, there was President Bartlet. But Frank was here, a mere two houses away, and he also was going through being spouse to a mother with infant at the same time that Danny was.

Frank was also giving him some military perspective for his biography of Percy Fitzwallace, as well as some insight on being a minority military officer. Danny laughed at the irony. His parents arrived here from Ireland less than 80 years ago. Frank’s family had been in California for more than two centuries; Fitz’ ancestors were brought to the colonies in chains about the same time. And who were considered the outsiders?

CJ was still getting ready for the restaurant when he took Paddy, several bottles, clothing, and diapers up to Frank and Diana’s house. “Be a good boy; don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” he whispered to the baby.

When he returned, CJ was ready. She looked fabulous, even better than she did at the beach.

“Are you sure you want to go out to eat? Why don’t I pick up some lobsters and stuff on the pier and bring them back here? We could swim, make love, use the hot tub, make love, watch a movie - “

“Make love?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Guess what? I don’t have a curfew; I can stay all night. We can do all that and still enjoy a nice meal in a restaurant first.”

Deflated sigh. “Okay.”

They went to a little place just down on the pier. The weather was mild and they sat outside on the deck. He was hoping that they could finish in about 90 minutes or less.

He was surprised when CJ ordered a cocktail. She usually just got a glass of wine, which she nursed throughout the meal.

When the waitress came to take their order, CJ wasn’t ready.

“No, I’m not quite sure yet; could you bring me another Manhattan and then come back in ten minutes?”

Ten minutes later, she told Danny, “I think I’ll have the mussels, then a cup of cioppino, a Caesar salad, and the trout with crabmeat stuffing.”

Danny looked at her. She kept a straight face but he could see the mirth in her eyes. She knew what he wanted and she decided he was going to have to wait for it.

“And I don’t suppose you want to share the mussels?”

“Sure, we can trade off. What appetizer were you considering?”

Okay, dinner would take longer than 90 minutes. He could wait a little longer.

When he gave their order to the waitress, CJ asked her to “leave plenty of time between the courses” and smiled sweetly at him.

An hour and 45 minutes later, she finally finished the last of her fish. Okay, get the waitress’ eye for the check and they could be in bed in twenty minutes, fifteen if he made all the lights.

“I’d like some of the lemon sorbet with piroulles and coffee.”

After all that food, she wanted dessert? Where was she going to put it?

He told the waitress that he didn’t want any dessert, just a cup of coffee.

“You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?” Danny asked with his teeth clenched.

CJ looked up with mock innocence. She dipped one of the piroulles into the sorbet, scooped up a bit of the ice, slowly and suggestively sucked the frozen dessert from the long rolled up cookie, her eyes locked onto his. “Yes, it’s very good. I can’t decide if I prefer these sweet sticks with the iciness of the sorbet or the heat of the coffee.” She dipped the cookie into the cup beside her. “I bet they would be good in alcohol, too. Maybe you should order me a grasshopper, or maybe some Frangelico.” She smiled at her husband.

“Why not? Let’s stay until closing time, until they kick us out. There’s nothing better we could be doing with the time.”

“Is Danny getting frustrated?”

“Is President Bartlet a nerd?”

CJ ate the last of of the sorbet. “Is Danny just a little testy? Does he (a glance at the remaining piroulle) need to cool off?” She snapped it in half. And smirked.

The waitress brought the folder with the bill. Danny glanced inside, put down some bills, stood, and held out his hand to his wife. “Yes. No.”

As they walked toward the exit, Danny stopped in front of the restrooms and steered CJ toward the Ladies’.

“I’m fine, Danny.”

“No, you aren’t.” He whispered something in her ear.

She looked at him.

“I mean it,” he said.

“We’re only 10 minutes from the house,” she protested.

“Seven if we don’t hit any red lights or if I run them. **Now** ,” he ordered, pushing her toward the door of the restroom.

They hit three of the five lights between the pier and their house. She was surprised that his hands stayed on the wheel while they were stopped at them, considering what he had demanded of her.

Once in the garage, he was out of the car and opening her door before she had time to unfasten her seatbelt. Pulling her out of the seat, he dragged her into the courtyard, held her hard against him and ravaged her mouth, pulling at the bows atop her shoulders and pushing the dress down to her waist.

On the other side of the hot tub, he took off his shirt and pulled her naked upper half against his.

He hurried her across the courtyard toward their bedroom. Stopping by the fountain, he pulled off the dress and slip, leaving her in only her shoes, and kissed her again.

He stopped by the conversation pit, undid his jeans and pulled her hand against him.

By the time they reached the door leading to the bedroom, his jeans, boxers, and sandals were no longer on his body.

By the time they reached the bed, he had verified that she was ready for him.

**Ram**. He held her hands along side her head and came into her fast, in one hard thrust, and then remained still, staring into her eyes. “I’m not a sex-crazed 18-year-old”.

**Slam**. He withdrew almost completely and pushed again, burying himself completely. “But you have teased me unmercifully tonight, tortured me beyond all reason.”

**Bam**. He moved once more and this time he exploded inside her as he collapsed against her with a guttural cry. Her breasts, full with milk, responded in kind against him, soaking the bed. “You don’t deserve the three I promised you this afternoon.”

**Thank you, ma’am**. His initial urges satisfied, he kissed her neck and down her torso, avoiding the sticky mess as his fingers brought her to her release. “But at least you wore the blue dress.”

CJ spoke first. “So, I can’t order dessert anymore?”

“I didn’t say that. If you are going to be a tease, make sure you have enough room in your purse for your bra and your underwear and are prepared to deal with the consequences,” he growled.

“Actually, the way you were moving, you probably would have taken less time taking them off than I did in the ladies’ room.” She moved an arm and grimaced. “I’m sticky with milk, how ‘bout a shower?”

“How about the hot tub instead? I’m not done with you yet.”

They ran across the courtyard to the tub and soaked themselves clean while they engaged in gentler, calmer, but no less amorous activities.

“We’ll have to change the bed,” CJ said when he pulled her up out of the tub.

“Too much work.” He pulled her toward the guest room. She made up for the earlier part of the evening and he changed his mind about what she did and didn’t deserve. “I’ll need to pump in four hours or so,” she murmured drowsily as they fell asleep.

He woke up at 4:30 to find her crawling back into the guestroom bed with him. She kissed him and his body responded; her hand encouraged that response. He reached across her and ran his right hand down the outside of her left breast. And froze.

“Danny?”

He reached for her right hand with his and took it to where he had just been caressing.

“Sweetheart, what’s this?”

At first she was confused, and then she felt the lump. She began to shake.

Danny gathered her in his arms and held her tightly to him. They lay there, not moving, except for her trembling, for what seemed like forever. She seemed to shrink. For the first time, she felt small to him. He felt as if he could totally surround her with his body, as if to protect her from attack, as if the thing they feared was still outside her body and not within it.

One thought ran through Danny’s head like a mantra. Please, don’t take her from me, not yet. Logically, his mind wanted to tell him that statistically, it was nothing, a milk duct or something else totally benign; but thousands of years of his heritage kept telling him to expect the worst. What was it his mom used to say as a joke? “Being Irish, I have an abiding sense of tragedy that sustains me through temporary periods of joy.”

She was whispering something; he couldn’t make out the words. He pulled a little away from her head that was pressed into his chest. “Sweetheart?”

“Paddy. What have I done to Paddy? What have I done to Paddy?”

Their child. His son. He hadn’t thought once about him; his thoughts were only for the woman he loved beyond all imagining.

He had no idea what the worst-case scenario would mean for the baby; no conception of what might possibly be passed between nursing mother and child. But having her obsess about it wouldn’t do anything good for anyone – mother, child, or the man who loved them both. Instinctively, he knew that he had to, at least on the outside, maintain some semblance of rational optimism and control.

He happened to notice the bedside clock; it was 5:30. There was an extension in the guest room. He reached over to the phone, keeping one arm around his wife, and called New Hampshire.

Abbey was very helpful and reassuring. First of all, CJ should not worry about Paddy. In the totally unlikely event that what they found was malignant, there was no way she could pass anything to the baby.

“Danny, I take it she’s scared to death.”

“Yes.”

“And you are also and you are trying to hide it.”

“Right again.”

“Then call Scott in a few hours and start getting some answers. And call me anytime, for anything. Do you want me to talk with her now?”

“Honey, do you want to talk with Abbey?”

CJ’s conversation with her surrogate mother ran all over the emotional map. She started out in tears as she expressed her concerns for her son (and admitting that she had fears for herself as well), then ended up in a few laughs and giggles as Abbey made her feel better.

Afterward, what started out as a few gentle caresses ended up as a gentle, tender, and prayerful act of love in diametrical opposition to the one of the night before, the one built on teasing, frustration, and raw desire.

When Scott Winkler’s pager sounded at 8:00 Sunday morning, he was pleasantly surprised. With two patients overdue and three more at the “any minute” stage, he expected he would have been up and at the hospital a long time ago. He stretched across the expanse of his otherwise empty king-size bed.

He could have said he was being noble and dedicated to his patients and that is why he woke up alone in his bed this morning. However, to be honest with himself, he woke up alone because there was no one in his life right now. It was hard to find a man who could cope with the hours his profession demanded; include the additional requirement that the man be gay and his chances made the stereotypical journey from slim to next to none. And, in general, to paraphrase his unmarried niece, all the good ones were either straight or in a committed relationship. Come to think of it, the characteristics of a “good one” were probably pretty much the same, no matter where on the continuum of sexual preference one would want the individual to stand.

Checking with the service, he found that the call wasn’t from one of his expectant mothers, but from Danny Concannon, one of those good ones unavailable to him by both preference and commitment. Before he could return the call, the pager sounded again. Megan Lovelace had just been admitted to UCLA Med’s birthing hall. Let the games begin.

He put his phone on speaker and called the Concannon residence as he started the Senseo coffee pod brewer and poured a glass of orange juice.

“Look, Danny, everything Abbey said was spot on, but as long as I’m going to be at the hospital birthing babies and the two of you have nerves of spun sugar, why don’t you come in a little later and we can get started on resolving this A-SAP. Have CJ nurse and/or pump before you come; it will be better for any mammograms and ultrasounds we might want to do. Bring a book or your laptop; this might take some time. Oops, my pager just went off again; I’m not gonna get to watch much football today.”

So there they were, three hours later, in the UCLA Med Center’s breast care wing, sitting in a consulting room, holding hands, waiting for the results of the mammograms and ultrasounds. Scott had already examined her and determined that it was not a milk duct problem and that it did need to be checked out.

Danny heard someone murmur to the receptionist.

“They’re right in there, Dr. Tallchief.”

He looked up to see Paddy’s pediatrician, a tall Shoshoni woman who resembled a younger Cher. (“A younger Cher minus the outrageous makeup and plus just enough pounds so you know there’s someone between you and the mattress,” was the earthy way Frank Muñoz put it.)

She came over to them and hugged CJ. “Scott told me.” The ob-gyn had mentioned earlier that Linda was in the nursery area and had obtained their permission to tell her about the situation. “It’s going to be okay. I just know it. And I repeat what everyone else has told you. There is no way, even under the worst case scenario, that you could pass this to Paddy.”

Scott came into the room. He looked exhausted but happy. “That was the second girl. Three more and I’ve replenished the Sparks’ lineup twenty-two years from now. So where are we?”

CJ explained that she had been “smooshed” for a mammogram and “rolled over” for a breast ultrasound and they were waiting for the results.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Concannon.” She looked up at the sound of the German accent. “I’m Marcus Loutzenheiser, the radiologist. Dr. Winkler,” he greeted Scott.

She introduced her husband to the man.

“Ah, I hear Dr. Roper now. Excellent.”

Another man entered the room. “Marcus. Scott.”

“Mike.” Scott introduced the surgeon to CJ and Danny. He also introduced Linda to the other two doctors; breast care specialists did not interact with pediatricians as frequently as they did with ob-gyns.

The surgeon and the radiologist explained that there were a couple of things “outside the normal parameters” that they wanted to further check and that they would like to do needle biopsies on both breasts. There were other growths in addition to the one Danny had found this morning. It would only take about another 30 minutes and they wouldn’t have to wait for results. Indeed, the pathologist they preferred to use wasn’t available today.

Danny asked them what they expected to learn and what the next steps would be.

“If, after the pathology is complete, we still have concerns, the next step would be outpatient tissue biopsy.

In that case,” Dr. Roper said, “I would ask you to consider weaning your son. It would make the surgery and recovery easier for you. Scott, Dr. Tallchief, do you have any input on this issue? Are there any concerns for the child if he is taken off the breast?”

“As I recall from his last checkup, Paddy is doing well. He should have no problems, health and growth wise, in switching to formula. You already have him feeding from a bottle. He might accept the formula more readily at first if he thinks it’s coming from you. There’s a device you can use to give him both formula and breast milk at the same time. It’s normally used to supplement low volume or by adoptive mothers, but I like to recommend it for helping the baby to adjust to the taste changes.” Her pager sounded. “I know Maria Guadalupé is here today. I’ll see if she can come by your house tomorrow or at least call and set up a time.” She bent down to hug CJ once more before leaving. “Everything is going to be okay. I know it sounds impossible, but try to stay calm. Paddy will sense it if you aren’t.”

Scott told them that he agreed with Dr. Roper. “It will be easier to check in the months to come if you aren’t nursing him. If it comes to that, we can give you something to stop the flow fairly quickly without too much discomfort.” Then his pager went off. “Show time again for me. All really I want is an uncomplicated delivery and a healthy mom and baby, but if I’m lucky,I just might get the next Lisa Leslie with this one.”

The radiologist left to interpret more slides and the surgeon to prepare for the biopsy. A nurse came to take CJ to an examining room.

Danny called Frank and Diana to let them know what was happening.

“Danny, do you want someone to come be with you?” Frank asked.

“No, by the time anyone could get here, we’d be about ready to leave. How’s my kid doing?”

“Right now, he’s in the playpen with Maggie. His hands are all over her butt.”

“Concannon men have a thing for fannies.”

“It’s not just him. Her hands are in his diaper; my younger daughter is a little hussy. In 15 years, we’re going to have to get chastity belts for the two of them,” the other man laughed.

“Probably closer to 12 years. He’s my son.”

“Yeah. Listen, Danny, some of the others are starting to wonder. Diana and I haven’t said anything, but people are concerned; they know something’s going on.”

“Well, if anyone asks, let them know quietly. Not the kids.”

“ _Por supuesto_. Do you want us to keep Paddy today? It’d be no problem. I’m sure someone will have dinner for you when you get back.”

“I honest to God don’t know. For one thing, we need to figure out this feeding thing. On the one hand, CJ may want to keep him with her; on the other, I think she still may not feel that it’s okay for her to nurse”. Then he remembered the events of the previous night. There were some neighbors that might not understand what they would see. “Frank, last night, we, well, there are some clothes, the place is kind of a mess and I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with Clara or some of the others seeing it.”

“Ah, we speak as men. Don’t worry; it’ll get taken care of.”

Danny’s call waiting buzz kicked in. It was Abbey. “Frank, Mrs. Bartlet is trying to reach me. We should be back within the hour. Thanks for everything.”

He switched the phone to take Abbey’s call. He gave her the latest updates. She told him that the former president was on his way back from London where he had been participating in a symposium at the London School of Economics.

“He’s going to call when he gets in. Do you have anyone there with you? We can be there tomorrow.”

“Abbey, we haven’t told anyone yet, except the neighbors that are keeping Paddy. I think we need to catch our breath this afternoon, try to figure out how and what. For the moment, can we keep this just between the four of us? I mean, the block probably knows or will know soon, but I don’t want to get Carol and Margaret and Donna involved just yet.”

“Whatever you two want, Danny, we’ll do or not do. But you need someone there for you. Make sure you don’t try to keep it all on your shoulders.”

The door opened. “Gotta run. The doctor’s back.”

While CJ was dressing, Dr. Roper told him that the pathology reports should be back sometime Tuesday. His office would make the call, but he would let them know himself. If the needle sites were painful, cold compresses would help. Of course, acetaminophen would also help, assuming that Linda had already given the okay for that pain reliever. Then the surgeon handed Danny two pill bottles.

“The Valium is for you, if you think you need it. The other one is for her, if her anxiety starts to affect the baby. If she uses it, make sure it’s right after nursing or pumping. We’ve given her just enough to get through today and tomorrow. After that, if there are any issues, Dr. Tallchief, Dr. Winkler and I think that acupuncture or hypnosis might be the better way to go if she’ll still be nursing.”

When they got home, Steve from next door, and Dick and Angela Jenkins from down the street were there. Steve quietly let Danny know that he had changed the milk-soaked sheets and “picked up after the orgy” before Dick and Angela came over with the dinner (“comfort food – meat loaf, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans with almonds, cherry cobbler, vanilla ice cream”) that was being kept warm in the oven. Hank, Jessica, and Bill and Sally Rogers had taken the older kids to the beach. Everyone else, except Frank, Diana, and the two babies, was at the Robbins’ pool. Some of the teenagers had picked up on the tension, but only the adults were aware of the potential crisis.

Danny mentioned something about going to get Paddy.

“CJ, why don’t you and I do that?” Angela guided CJ toward the door.

After the women left, Dick and Steve turned to Danny.

“We want you to know that Dick and I are here for you in particular, Danny,” Steve started. “My mom went through this right after Dad died and although everything turned out fine, it was a very rough two or three weeks for her, my sister and me.”

“Six years before Charlene was killed in the robbery,” Dick mentioned his first wife, the mother of his twin sons who were now in their last year of med school at UC San Francisco, “she was diagnosed and went through a mastectomy and chemo. I’ve been through this. Everyone’s going to tell you what you need to be, do, and say for CJ, but Steve and I, especially, are going to make sure that you get whatever help and support **you** need. We’re not going to go there now, because you two very likely won’t get to that point, but just store it in the back of your mind that we’ve both been down that road and we’re gonna make sure you aren’t left to handle it all by yourself.”

“When I found the lump, all I could think was ‘Please, don’t let me lose her’. Until she mentioned it, the thought that Paddy might be affected didn’t even enter my mind.”

“That’s natural. Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Dick said. “When Charlene had her surgery, I didn’t think about the boys for three days, until she asked about them. And they were old enough to be worried, to be afraid of losing their mother. I sent them to stay with my sister.”

“Should I get someone here?”

“Don’t jump the gun. Wait to see what happens,” Steve said.

“They gave me something for her and something for me. For anxiety. Hers is short-time acting 2 or 3 hours a dose, but mine is longer. I don’t know whether to take –“.

“I think you two should take them tonight. We’ll get someone here to help with the baby. It sounds like our wives are returning,” Dick said as footsteps could be heard outside.

CJ went immediately into the nursery with her son while Danny saw everyone else to the door. There were reassurances that someone would be over in a little while so both CJ and Danny could take their anti-anxiety medications.

When Danny returned to the nursery, CJ had just finished changing the baby and was preparing to feed him. Danny pulled the both of them into the bedroom, sat in one of the big easy chairs, and pulled her and Paddy into his lap.

“I know what everyone said, but I’m still a little antsy with this,” CJ said as she settled Paddy against her.

“Well, I trust Abbey and I trust Scott and I trust Linda,” Danny assured her. He was telling the truth. He had to trust someone to give him the expert facts; he had neither the time nor the detached temperament to do any research on his own. He had to control his utter terror at the possibility of losing CJ in order to keep her from succumbing to her fears for herself and their son. So he held her as she held the baby.

When Paddy was done and she had pumped the excess, he made her take one of the anti-anxiety pills that had been prescribed for her.

A few minutes later, Jed and Abbey called. The former president was concerned and optimistic. He had learned to Google (and there is no fanatic like a recent convert); he was full of information and positive statistics.

“I know the odds are very good, sir,” CJ told him. ”But when you get to the individual, it’s not a percentage, it’s binary, all or nothing.”

They decided to wait for the results of the needle biopsy. If things were still at issue after receiving them, they would let the others – Donna and Josh, Carol, Margaret – know. CJ began to get drowsy so the first couple rang off with assurances of prayers and availability if needed.

CJ insisted on having Paddy in the bassinet beside their bed when Danny made her lie down. After she nodded off, Danny called Franklin Hollis. CJ would not be able to handle the press conference with Jake Kimball and Antares on Monday. The man expressed his concern and said that he would fly down tomorrow to handle the announcements. He would also call Nancy so she could make whatever adjustments might be necessary. Would it be okay if he stopped by tomorrow after the events of the day?

As soon as he hung up with Hollis, the phone rang again. It was Lupé, the lactation coach. When should she come by tomorrow? Danny told her that he would like to be there when she came. He taught Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays at 10:00 AM, and then had office hours until noon on Mondays and Wednesdays. He could be home by 1:00, easily.

Danny checked on his charges. CJ was sleeping, a bit fitfully. Paddy was out like a light. He went to the den and worked on his lectures for the next week. Somehow, he managed to keep his mind on his work.

At dusk, she awoke and prepared plates for each of them, which they ate half-heartedly. As they were finishing, Hank and Steve came over. The three men put away the food while CJ took care of Paddy. Hank and Steve convinced both CJ and Danny to take their medications; one or both of them would be with them all night.

Shortly after 9:00 AM on Monday, Clara Pagoulatos, who lived across the street from Jessica and Cindy, came to stay with CJ while Danny went to his teaching duties. She was carrying a dish of spanakopita and one of souvlaki. Clara’s husband had died shortly before CJ and Danny had moved onto the street. She was a substitute teacher for the Catholic parochial school system. Her four children were scattered about the country, the nearest being her son who lived with his family in Fresno, where he was a Greek Orthodox priest.

Clara and CJ watched as Danny drove off for Culver City.

“CJ, did you know that I’m a twenty year survivor?”

“Clara, I had no idea. Did you have surgery? And wasn’t that before Laura was born? She’s just a freshman at Rice, isn’t she?”

“Yes, mastectomy plus reconstruction. It’s the right one, in case you're wondering. And you’re correct; I was able to have another baby afterwards. I’m telling you because I want you to know that even if they do find something, it can still be okay.”

Danny returned shortly after 12:30 and Lupé came by an hour later. She brought with her some cans of the formula that Linda Tallchief recommended they try first as well as the Lact-Aid device. She also had a casserole dish and a package of homemade tortillas. “Chile verde,” she announced.

She recommended that CJ run the tube alongside her breast so that Paddy got both breast milk and formula at the same time. If she decided to wean Paddy, she could also mix an ever-increasing amount of the formula in with her breast milk for bottle feedings to help the baby adjust to the change. Normally, it was not recommended, but this would be a special situation.

They sat for a while watching Paddy try to crawl on the family room floor, talking about how fast the time seemed to go. It was hard to believe that almost five months had passed since the birth of the baby.

“CJ, you nursed for five months. If you need to stop now, you have no reason to feel bad,” the woman reassured her. “He’s thriving and I’m sure he’ll continue to do so. And don’t worry; everything will be fine. You have my word on it.” A smile covering her Hispanic features, the woman hugged CJ, put on her powder-blue jogging suit jacket, and gathered up her things.

Danny shook his head as he watched Lupé drive away. He couldn’t shake the idea that he had met her before that day when he first saw CJ nurse his son. And what kind of pull did she have to get the “GOT MILK” personalized plates?

Franklin Hollis stopped by about 4:00. Everything had gone well with the press conference with Jake Kimbell. “Road to a Better World” would continue to build its roads efficiently and professionally with its experienced and trained teams; the new Antares endeavor, “Nurturing the Skill”, would train local personnel to maintain the roads and the underlying bureaucracy needed to do so. One more crisis settled.

“I’m just sorry you had to step into this, Frank,” CJ apologized to the man. “I know how busy you are, especially with Sarita in DC much of the time.”

“CJ, you did all the leg work. I’m the one who should be apologizing; I feel guilty taking the spotlight at the end and I did make sure that the press knows that you are the one responsible for this eminently sensible solution to the problem.”

They talked for a while longer. Frank told CJ and Danny not to think about the project until everything was settled with her health. Bonnie, Nancy, Glen Walken, and the general staff of the Hollis Foundation group could handle anything that needed handling; he was always available as source of last resort.

Dr. Roper’s office called at 11:30 Tuesday morning. Danny put the phone on speaker and he held CJ in his arms as they waited for the surgeon.

There were several “paranormalities”; Dr. Roper hold them he was recommending surgery to remove the lumps and biopsy them. There was an opening in the outpatient surgery at UCLA a week from today and he had already reserved it. Could they come in later this afternoon to talk some more? And please remember that this was still a very hypothetical situation; they were being extremely overcautious.

Their first call was to Abbey. She told them that she and Jed would be out there next Monday and there was to be no discussion about it. If the three agents had to sleep on the floor of the den, so be it. They asked her to let the others know, or at least to start the chain rolling with Carol, Margaret, and Donna.

Erin was next on the list. She wanted to come over also, but was dissuaded when she found out that the Bartlets insisted on coming.

Calls to her brothers to have to wait until this evening when the men would be home. They told the neighbors, both about the results and about the upcoming visit by the Bartlets and its attendant security issues.

Dr. Roper explained the outpatient procedures. There was blood work to be done, a urinalysis needed, and some X-rays that she could take care of at her convenience before Monday. There were instructions about not eating or drinking after midnight Monday. She should wear something comfortable, like sweats. Assuming no complications, she should be home by 2:00 PM. Scott Winkler was aware of the results and the plans. She should stop by his office for the medication needed to stop her lactation.

She was able to schedule an early appointment with Scott for Wednesday morning. Danny would be able to go with her before his class at 10:00.

Hank and Steve came back that evening to be with her while Danny held his Tuesday evening office hour before teaching his Tuesday evening class. There were calls of concern and encouragement from Donna and Josh, Carol, Margaret, Sam and Morgan, and Ginger. Toby called and insisted on flying out; CJ told him that the Bartlets would be there. And if Danny was still meeting with his classes, Toby could do the same at Columbia.

Danny woke in the middle of the night to find CJ sitting on the edge of the bed, her back to him. Her shoulders were shaking. She was feeding Paddy, tears sliding down her face. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I have to stop taking care of you like this.”

He knelt behind her with his hands on her shoulders, kissing the side of her head just over her ear. “The three of us are going to be okay, babe. You have nothing to guilt yourself about. I love you; Paddy loves you.”

When Paddy was full, Danny took the baby from her to burp and change and headed for the nursery. When he was done, he sat in the rocker and talked softly to his son. “Paddy, I’m going to need your help with your Mama. If you could please adjust to the formula, it would make the next few weeks a bit easier on us. Could you do that for her and for me, please?”

They spent the rest of the week trying to live their lives as normally as possible. People kept coming by with food. (“What, you expected Peking Duck?” Yan Wei asked, bringing in a lasagna casserole on Wednesday). Clara continued to stay with CJ and the baby while Danny taught his daytime class and also when he went to USC for his Thursday morning seminar. Bonnie came down from San Luis Obispo Thursday evening and stayed until Sunday afternoon to help Nancy with preparations for the Bartlets’ visit. Danny talked with his department chair at West LA Community College and arranged for a substitute for his Tuesday evening class the day of the surgery. Paddy took to the formula with no problem except that whenever CJ tried to feed him, he instinctively moved toward her breast, so Danny, the neighbors and the Teen Club kids handled all the feedings, which were now about once every 5 hours.

Saturday afternoon, the women of the block were all at lunch in a local tearoom. Jessica had arranged it to help CJ’s spirits.

Danny was drinking a beer and eating one of the leftover crab cakes that Laura Robbins brought over the night before (“I’m Maryland born and bred; you can’t get good crab cakes west of the Potomac unless you make them yourself”) when the doorbell rang. He answered it to find Dick Jenkins, a brown manila envelope in hand.

“Danny, I’m going to leave this with you. You can bury it in your desk and return it to me later, unopened, you can look at it later, or we can look at it together now. I know that if the worst happens, you’ll be telling CJ that it doesn’t matter and I know that you’ll mean it, but, just in case, you might want to know what to expect, to be prepared. These are the pictures I got from the support group right after Charlene’s operation.”

Danny closed the door and walked into the den. He stared at the envelope for several minutes, took a deep breath, and opened it.

The shots were from the neck to the waist, full frontal and side views. They were labeled “segmentectomy”, “simple mastectomy”, “modified radical mastectomy”, and “radical mastectomy”. There were shots with one breast removed and shots with both breasts removed.

He stared at the photos. Then he returned them to the envelope and put it in the bottom drawer of his desk.

He remembered the first time he saw her. He remembered all the times he saw her in the press room, either live or on TV. What he was remembering was her face, her smile, her voice. He remembered her kisses, he remembered her babbling. That was what he remembered; that was what she was.

On Sunday after Mass, Father Luke administered the Anointing of the Sick to her; Danny was grateful to see that over half the congregation remained to participate in the sacrament.

On Sunday afternoon, right after Bonnie left, the Los Angeles branch of the Secret Service began their preparations for the Bartlets’ visit.

After church, he had convinced her to take a Valium. Now that she was no longer nursing, she could use the longer-acting medications.

It was a warm afternoon and he had spread a blanket in the courtyard and was on it with Paddy, watching him as he flailed on his stomach, not yet figuring out how to make everything work together in a crawl. Sixteen year-old Becky Feldman had just dropped off her mom Hannah’s “special chicken recipe” that smelled exactly like the one Toby had taught CJ. The baby made some gurgling sounds and reached for the little stuffed bear with the “Cal” T-shirt. Danny grabbed the toy, pulled Paddy into a seated position against his chest and playfully teased his son for a few seconds, moving the bear from side to side just within the child’s reach, before letting it fall at the baby’s feet. Paddy moved forward from his chest and reached for the toy. He held onto it and shook it up and down a few times.

“Hey, you’re sitting on your own! Such a big boy! Let’s go see if Mama’s up and show her what you can do!”

Of course, Paddy promptly fell onto his side, but when Danny propped him up again, he remained that way for almost a minute.

Picking up the baby and the toy, Danny crossed the courtyard and headed toward the bedroom, walking quietly in case she was still sleeping.

She wasn’t. She was standing in front of the dresser mirror in her half-slip, pressing her left breast flat and down, tears streaming down her face.

Oh, shit, he thought to himself, putting the baby in the bassinet.

“What in hell are you doing?” The soft tone of his voice and his arms coming around her shoulders softened the harshness of the words he spoke.

She stared into his eyes’ reflection in the mirror. “Don’t tell me the thought hasn’t crossed your mind, what I would look like if the results are – if I need to have – “.

“All I’ve thought about is that I want you. I waited so God damned long for you and I don’t want to lose you. I want you next to me. I want you to see Paddy sit up, to crawl, to walk. I want you and me taking him to his first day of school, watching him make his First Communion, riding his first two-wheeler, playing soccer and Little League, his prom, his graduation, his wedding, bringing us our first grandchild. I want you in the hot tub with me, in the car beside me, in bed next to me. If I have to, I can do without your breast or your hair or your teeth, but I can’t do without your smile and without you. It took so long to find you and to win you. If ever I should lose **you** , that’s what I’ve thought about.” By this time, his voice was hoarse and he turned her round and crushed her against him. “If ever I should lose you, Jeanie.”

The Bartlets and their motorcade arrived about 4:00 PM on Monday. The agents set up their command post in the garage.

“Damn, this is good beef bourguignon, Danny,” Abbey said over dinner.

“I can’t take any credit. Wally Hammash’s mother’s family ran one of the best French restaurants in Beirut before all the bombings; he made it. Everyone’s been so great about bringing us stuff. We’ve got an international smorgasbord of leftovers in the refrigerator.”

They had to be at the Medical Center by 7:00 AM. Abbey was going with the two of them. Jed wanted to come but the security detail would be too disruptive, so he stayed home with Paddy. Nancy came over to catch up with her old boss; Clara also came over to help with the baby.

She was in the staging area, in a hospital gown on a gurney by 8:30 Tuesday morning. Dr. Roper came in to go over the procedure once more; he was surprised to see Abbey with Danny, but quickly accepted her as part of CJ’s support team. CJ and Danny signed the consent forms and then the pre-anesthetic was administered.

The pre-anesthetic had kicked in and she was woozy. The orderlies came to take her into the operating room. Holding her hand, he walked alongside until they told him he could go no further. He reached down and kissed her. “See you in a little bit. Love you.”

“Love you back.”

There was a bit of a stir as he, Abbey, and her two agents entered the waiting room. She talked with the others who were waiting, asking about their loved ones who were undergoing surgery, offering encouragement.

Two hours later, Dr. Roper joined them. “It took a little longer for the anesthetic to kick in; she’s a very strong-willed woman.”

“Tell me about it,” Danny mumbled.

“We removed four growths from the left breast and three from the right, plus a couple of lymph nodes from each. The frozen sections all looked good. Of course, since we wouldn’t have gone any further even if they hadn’t, we really need to wait for the full pathology, but I’m almost certain that we are out of the woods. You can go wait with her in Recovery.”

When she came to in the Recovery area, Dr. Roper came back and told her of his findings. He also told her that he was able to get by with making the incision on the aereola line on the right breast, so the scar would be practically invisible, but he did have to make a small cut on the underside of her left breast. A nurse went over her post-operative instructions. Her breasts were encased in sterile packing and she was bound up in what was essentially a heavy terry cloth towel and safety pins. After 48 hours, she could remove the dressing and shower. She should wear a plain cotton support bra, without underwires, for the next week, until her follow up appointment. She would probably be woozy and sleepy the rest of the day. Here was some Tylenol-3 to be used as needed.

She was indeed out for the rest of the day. Danny was keyed up but exhausted and Abbey made him take a Valium. While he was sleeping, Pietro and Sonya Dieliczko dropped off a dish of stuffed cabbage and spent some time talking with the former president, telling him how they came to be in Santa Monica after leaving Cracow eight years ago.

On Wednesday, she slept off and on, and ate lightly – toast, eggs, soup. Abbey washed her hair in the kitchen sink using the spray attachment and also helped her with tub bathing.

That afternoon and early evening, Danny had arranged (well, he had Bonnie and Nancy arrange) with a caterer for food and drinks for a small open house to thank the neighbors and to introduce all of them to the Bartlets.

Frank Hollis flew down from San Luis Obispo and Sarita came in from DC, bearing cards and gifts from the Washington crowd. She was able to sit in the courtyard for an hour in the afternoon and then again for another half-hour later in the evening.

Thursday morning, while Danny was down at USC, Abbey helped her in the shower. The former president announced his intention to make chili and dragooned Steve to take him and his Secret Service detail to the supermarket for the ingredients. Father Niko stopped by with a cake from the rectory housekeeper.

For the first time, Paddy took a bottle from her without trying to get to her breast. She was smiling and crying at the same time.

Sam was in Los Angeles and stopped by the house that afternoon. In addition to wanting to see her, it was his first chance to see Jed and Abbey since his ascension to the office of governor.

Paddy stayed in a seated, upright position for two minutes.

Diana and Maggie were with them on Friday afternoon when they received the call from Dr. Roper’s office. Finally, they had definite negative results on all the lumps that had been removed. He did want to schedule follow-up mammograms and ultrasounds every six months for the next eighteen months. And she should come in next Thursday for follow up and to make get the external sutures removed.

CJ collapsed against Danny’s shoulder; he kissed the side of her head. Diana went to spread the good news to the others on the block. The former president and his wife tactfully withdrew to the guest room, taking Paddy with them. Abbey called Margaret, Donna, and Carol. Then they made plans to leave the next day.

Walking into the nursery through the hallway door, they could see that CJ was lying on the bed; the slight wheezing sound testified to her sleeping state. They could see Danny sitting on the deck, facing the ocean. Abbey went to the kitchen to heat a bottle for Paddy.

The former president walked out onto the deck and sat down next to Danny on the glider. He reached out and put a hand on the younger man’s shoulder.

“Danny?”

Danny raised anguished eyes to the former president, who pulled the other man to him.

Letting go of everything he had dealt with over the past two weeks, Danny Concannon sobbed against the shoulder of the man who had become the surrogate father to his wife and himself. “I have been so frightened, so terrified, of losing her. If ever I should lose her. After all that time, all that waiting, to have all of this, to have her and then to lose her. I can’t imagine living without her.”

“I know. But you won’t have to. At least, not now.”

The past two weeks had been a time of crisis for himself and CJ, a time of growth for his son, and a time of change for the three of them. With the help of friends, old and new, they had survived.


End file.
